If you have no control over where the energy goes then what else can you do? What does accepting yourself as ‘the person who attacks indiscriminately those closest to you,’ do for your experience? How does rejecting yourself work for you? What are the subtle spaces between accepting and rejecting?
If the energy is going into areas such as relationship with men/partners then what is that energy saying? Is it protecting your interests in some way? Is it serving you somehow? What other version(s) of the story can be told?
If you trusted yourself completely, just as you are, what might you say about what’s going on for you? If you trusted the universe completely, as it is, what version of events might one be tempted to hold onto, to hold in one’s mind and pursue with one’s life?
If this was not a means to an end, and not a symptom of pathology, then what would it be? If this situation, in it’s entirety, was on purpose, what would it mean; how would you frame its meaningfulness, its intention?
If a shaman were to come to you to explain its significance, what would they say?
It is as if you need/seek a voice to talk you down – a reasonable presence in your life that speaks at that perfect moment, to your larger self, to your higher consciousness, and is able to get through the noise, to penetrate your distress, your dissatisfaction, and to be of use when you feel most swept up, most taken over, by all that is tearing you and your life apart.
You have sought to internalise this voice of reason and inner peace by way of programs such as Human Potential and Vipassana meditation/retreat, and by way of purpose, working in areas that bring about the utopia of your dreams for the world, believing both an internal re-programming and an external manifestation of change will someday, somehow manage to alter your responses, your ways of being in relationship and with your self.
Although these methods have brought moments of peace and hope, and managed to inspire your continued trust in the vision that you have for the future, they have not instilled within you this voice that you so desperately seek. They have not managed to elicit a peaceful response to your own trauma/drama energy, and so you continue to seek a practice, a mentor, a healer, a lifestyle, a person, a program or a method to do so. And, as a consequence of not finding your voice internal, you continue to suffer and berate yourself for this failure.
You continue to see your salving behaviours as less-than, and to label your experimentation as distraction, and to judge yourself harshly for being willing to change.
How does this make you feel?
What comes up for you when you read these words?
Remember, I know nothing. Only you know.
NB This piece was actually penned on December 25th, 2019
Empathic download or clearing can seem chaotic. States of no control are not easily understood by conventional psychology. If we accept a non-pathology approach to what’s happening, what happens then? Let’s find out!